I've been asked several times to write a wedding ceremony. I've even been offered money. ($13.75 is money.) So, here it is. Sort of. Due to space limitations, I couldn't cram it all in. Your officiant can wing the ending. Or you can work in your customized vows. "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" all sound nice. But listing annual income requirements, and specific physical standards to be met, gives you an escape hatch in case your dreamboat becomes a shipwreck.

So here's most of the ceremony. Absolutely free. Believe me, it's worth every penny. Use it for your wedding. Adapt it for birthdays, funerals or ship christenings. Go for it! I dare you. Now, cue the organ music.

Dearly Beloved, welcome. As a holy minister, duly ordained by God and the power of a $10 internet donation, I hereby proclaim today as a sacred day of hope. I speak not of the hope so many of you have of eating and drinking enough here to cover the cost of the cruddy wedding gift you picked up on sale at Costco. Judging by the activity in the bar earlier, most are already winners in that particular wedding cheap-stakes.

And I certainly don't speak of the hope I've heard some mutter. That if these two can find a match, then there's hope for anyone. Obviously, no one claiming that had yet seen all the guests.

I will speak to those who may be losing hope. Those, for example, who still lust after the bride. (Obviously, no one is lusting after the groom.) For the bride today is plighting her troth to What's-His-Name here, in the sacred bond of matrimony, making what was previously illicit, licit — if nowhere near as much fun. Forsaking all others (no troth for them). A lifetime commitment — as many among us here today can attest, having made that lifetime commitment three or four times.

And therein lies the hope. For it's not like today's ceremony is as binding as a new phone plan or — God forbid — an open-ended gym membership. So, hope, as the Bible tells us — or mayhap it was Snoop Dogg — springs eternal.

Yes, dear friends, today is a blessed day of hope in so many ways. One in which we all should share. Even those among us who may not have come bearing gifts. And to those souls, at the behest of the happy couple, I ask you to feel no remorse, but instead to commit to a gift that is far more special and far more lasting than that $19.99 toaster you didn't get around to buying. I speak of course of a gift from the remaining items in the happy couple's registry — as always, the truly expensive stuff. The cheap junk is long gone.

Not that your names would be emailed as freeloaders and deadbeats to everyone on the guest list if you don't come up with some very special gift by, say, close of business Friday. But I'm reasonably sure that that's exactly what will happen. They'll probably post it on Facebook and Instagram, too.

Ah, yes, hope. Marriage of course is the ultimate triumph of hope, a blessed, hopeful merging of two hearts. And two piles of credit card debt and car payments. And all the other bills they'll try to stick each other with, come the divorce. As for the other merging, the hot, sweaty, merging. It's not like this pair has been waiting on that. Which, verily I say unto thee, is as it should be. Because we all know the groom is going to be far too snockered for any merging tonight. And going forward, the bride is hoping that a quick merge on his birthday and maybe another after a few eggnogs on Christmas Eve should do the trick. A strong marriage must be built on such hopes, from the ground up, brick by brick. Like a prison.

Or a palace. Your choice. Marriage is displaying gratitude for what your mate has been, even at times when he or she isn't much. It's saying, "I love you," especially when you barely mean it. The true secret to perpetual marital bliss is (cut for lack of space).

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his Substack at www.barrymaher.com. To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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